What a week!

This illness is the craziest thing I have ever been through.  Each day, I wonder, “How can I feel so good when I am this ill?”  When I feel like this I generally contact my doctor’s office at Moore’s Cancer Center.  They always reply promptly with reassurance and words to soothe.   I am told regularly to continue with what I am already doing: eat healthy, whole food, get lots of rest and to avoid people who are sick (this is due to my low white blood cell count).  I have not had a cold in years, knock on wood.   The staff at the Bone Marrow Transplant office are the most amazing team of people.    Now, do not worry, I am not getting a BMT.  I just find myself obsessing about them sometimes.   Apparently, there are many different kinds of transplants used in the fight against these disorders of the blood and lymphatic systems. 

Another crazy thing … this week has been amazing but I have found myself in tears everyday except for today.  (Which hey, is not over yet, so there is still time :)  Today, we celebrated my sweet nephew’s 5th Birthday, so there was lots of laughter and cake.  Who can cry when there is cake? A lot of cake!

I recently visited a support group page on FB.  It is designed for people battling Lymphoma as well as for Survivors, Caregivers, Friends and Family of patients.   I have found so much encouragement in reading the stories of survivors who have battled this illness.  I noticed though when reading through, that those who are sharing seem to know specifically which strain of the over 70+ kinds of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (NHL), they have.  I realized I had some research to do.  And here, I thought I had been a good advocate for myself!

Now, here is where it gets interesting (goes left).  I love the internet but sometimes too much available information can be a bad thing.  I started to do some research to self-diagnose, BAD IDEA!   I determined (with my extensive medical background, NOT)  that I had a rare strain of NHL that I had not never heard of before.  This specific strain has a survival rate of only 7-20 years.  All of a sudden, this was real.  I broke down as I realized that I have something living inside of me that can significantly shorten my life.   I cried for hours.  It was quite the pity party, I am sure you can imagine.

A list of everything I’d like to accomplish before I leave this magnificent earth ran through my mind and my broken heart.  I wondered if I could find love … who would possibly want a sick girl?   Shortly, after I was diagnosed my ex-boyfriend broke-up with me.  I am convinced that this was in a large part due to his fear.  I thought, now I would be alone for the few remaining years of my life.  I told you it was a grand party of self-pity! 

BTW, I don't have the kind of Lymphoma, I was reading about.

 My week got better.   On Wednesday I was interviewed for a local women’s magazine.  They are profiling women in fitness.  I am one of the women chosen for this honor!   Although I was feeling stronger after the interview (I love sharing my passion for fitness) I still found myself in tears on my ride to work on Thursday.   I am so grateful to work at an amazing women’s gym.   I am surrounded by strong, supportive women.  I was able to let out all of my anxiety about this illness.  I am so blessed, they understand about the mixed emotions I am feeling. More than one of them have offered me any kind of support they can offer. Rides to the doctor, an ear if I should need, etc. I'm not even their family and they are so generous!

For one thing, I am struggling with anger.  I am angry about a few things.  Right now it is mostly about the chicken $#%+ way my ex chose to end things with me.   I realized that he is not someone who would be strong enough for me during my journey.  Now I've chosen to believe he never loved me.  I am sure I will let go of this anger at some point but right now I am mad!

On Thursday after letting go of some of my anger, I flipped the script.  After I finished training two of my inspiring clients, I decided that I would stay and do my own workout.  The gym really is therapy for me.  I am thankful that I have this amazing place to do my own training.  On Friday, after finishing with clients I hit the weights again!  Feeling stronger and more optimistic I headed home.    On my ride home I discovered the most talented nail technician!   Is it wrong that I do not want to share this information?  I just really do not want her to get too booked to see me.  For now I will say thank you Jesus!  You will have to stay tuned if you want to learn who this talent is!  I know I cannot possibly hold such a secret for too long!  After all I do believe that as women we really do need to support one another in success!

The Holidays are here and there is so much to be thankful for!   I do not go back to my Oncologist until December.  I will do my best to keep my spirits lifted.  In January I have an appointment at the Cancer Center again.  I am convinced  that they are as dumbfounded as me about how I can be such a vision of strength and health even though I have been  diagnosed with this illness. I’m pretty sure they will likely want to test my Super-Hero Blood as part of some clinical trial!  OK, maybe this isn’t the case, but I do enjoy my Super-Hero status very much.  Hey, this is MY STORY!